Style Invitational Week 929: Just sit right back and write a TV theme song By Pat Myers,July 22, 2011 We wouldn’t usually spring two song parody contests on you in the space of two months, but fate intervened: We mourn the passing here of the wonderfully named Sherwood Schwartz, creator of “Gilligan’s Island ” and “The Brady Bunch ,” among other TV classics — and, more pertinently, composer of their theme songs, whose lyrics introduced the show by explaining the setup for the story. Not Yet a Loser Fred Singerman suggested a neat idea: *Write a funny song introducing a TV show, past or present. *The more obscure the show is, the more you’ll have to explain and still be funny. The song may be set to a Schwartz tune (“Gilligan” ; “Brady ”) or you can use any other tune (even your own, if you want to sing it in a video you post online). Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a box of Lunch Bugs, a pack of 24 sealable sandwich bags with a realistic-looking photo of a roach or beetle embedded in each one. Nobody will steal your burrito from the office fridge if it’s wrapped in one of these babies. Donated by Loser Nan Reiner. *Other runners-up* win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug . Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers @ washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 1; results published Aug. 21 (Aug. 19 online). Include “Week 929” in your e-mail subject line, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational . The revised title for next week’s results is by Chris Doyle; this week’s honorable-mentions subhead was submitted by both Kevin Dopart and Judy Blanchard. *Report from Week 925: A remeaning task,* in which we asked you to come up with a new definition for an actual word beginning with I through O. We had at least 300 good entries from among the more than 2,500 submitted; believe us, you don’t want to read 300 entries, but the Empress did let the list of honorable mentions run on longer than usual online. (We’ll also run a few more next week.) Some of the entries below require you to pronounce the word differently from the original. *The winner of the Inker:* *Knothole:* Someone who isn’t a jerk. /(Jamie Pazur, St. Simons Island, Ga., a First Offender)/ *2.**Winner of the cowboy boot mugs and the glass boot filled with drink mixer: **Linguine*: A person who insists on correcting someone’s grammar or pronunciation when others are present. /(Theresa Kowal, Silver Spring, Md.)/ *3.**Ignorant (n.):* A typical blog post./(Kevin Dopart, Washington; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)/ *4.**Megawatt: *A state of total bewilderment or disbelief./(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)/ *Meaning-less: Honorable mentions* *Lassitude:* “Timmy can get himself out of the #*@!@ well. I have better things to do.” /(Steve Langer, Chevy Chase; Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.)/ *Incantation:* Singing on the toilet. /(Ann Martin, Bracknell, England)/ *Magnesia:* “I don’t recall buying any Playboys.” /(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)/ *Increase:* Where the thong went. /(Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)/ *Indigo:* Harrison Ford’s epitaph. /(Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.)/ *Open-pit: *Describing a sleeveless dress. /(Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.)/ *Newsletter:* The man controlling Internet access in China. /(Hampton DeJarnette, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender)/ *Mouthwatering:* Euphemism for waterboarding. /(Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)/ *Juniper:* A mohel. /(Laurie Brink)/ *Kaleidoscope:* The doohickey the body shop uses to inspect your wrecked car. /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)/ *Kidney:* A common place to put bandaids. /(Mike Inman, Lewes, Del.)/ *Opportune:* What them ladies with the horn-helmets sing. /(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)/ *Orangutans:* People who try to look like Snooki. /(Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.)/ *Lackadaisical:* What Donald Duck was after his divorce. /(Xin Yu, Columbus, Ohio)/ *Lapidary: *A miniature pet camel. /(Todd Carton, Wheaton, Md.)/ *Kilogram:* A letter bomb. /(Chris Doyle)/ *Lambaste:* What Gordon Ramsay does when the meat’s too tough. /(Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.)/ *Infatuation:* XXL-rated lust. /(Rick Haynes, Potomac, Md.)/ *Intimacy:* The new name for what used to be Hecht’s lingerie department. /(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)/ *Impervious:* What convicted sex offenders are required to tell everyone. /(Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.)/ *Implore:* Stories like “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.” /(Mae Scanlan, Washington)/ *Karma:* The woman destined to chauffeur half the frickin’ neighborhood to soccer practice. /(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)/ *Mammaries: *Embarrassing stories from your childhood that your mother never fails to recount. /(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)/ *Navigate:* Scandal on the high seas. /(Nancy Israel, Bethesda, Md.)/ *Microwave:* One guy standing and waving his arms in a stadium. /(Leigh Giza, Gainesville, Va.)/ *Jamboree:* Someone who yawns through a Grateful Dead concert. /(John Shea, Philadelphia)/ *Manifesto:* A bachelor party. /(George Smith, Frederick, Md.)/ *Locomotive:* The insanity defense. /(Theresa Kowal)/ *Maddening:* Commenting on football games. “Joe wouldn’t stop maddening for the entire second quarter.” /(Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)/ *Indian summer: *Bangalore accountant. /(Pam Sweeney)/ *Installer:* A quickie in the restroom. /(Craig Dykstra)/ *International date line:*/Su place ou meine? (Chris Doyle)/ *Logarithm:* A series of exertions on the john. /(Vic Krysko, Surat Thani, Thailand)/ *Lumberjack:* Slang for ED medicine. Also: forklift, upkeep. /(Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)/ *Macaroon:* Someone who is one-eighth Scottish /(Mike Gips)/ *Marathon:* An all-day vandalism spree. /(Jeff Contompasis)/ *Maximize:* Enlarged pupils from reading men’s magazines. /(Mike Inman)/ *Mediocre:* A very specific but rather dull crayon hue. /(Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City)/ *Melodious:* Australian slang for raving drunk. /(Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.)/ *Metaphor:* How you described your blind date who had a, um, very nice personality. /(Pie Snelson, Silver Spring)/ *Monsoon:* Jamaican farewell. /(Chris Doyle)/ *Obscene:* Doctor, nurse, anesthesiologist and some idiot with a video camera. /(Ward Kay, Vienna)/ *Indiana: *Birthplace of Prince William. /(Craig Dykstra)/ *Orthodox:* Dentists. /(Matt Monitto, Myrtle Beach, S.C.)/ *Lasso:* The Marx sister. /(Judy Blanchard)/ *Midwife:*Bride bridging Marriages No. 1 and No. 3. /(David Klann, Washington)/ *Itself:* Customary phone greeting in Middle Earth. /(Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland)/ /And last:/*Nutmeg:* A million Losers. /(Kathy Hardis Fraeman)/ /And even laster: /*Invitational:* A contest anyone may enter. /(Russell Beland, Fairfax, Va.)/